Christmas 2002,
Missing Loria

Last Christmas I remained in shock.  It had been a short, but long, three and a half months since losing you.  I ran away and pretended that the day didn't exist.

This year, the rough edge of the shock has worn off and I have to think about a Christmas holiday without you.  What will I do?
How will I survive?

There will be no tree again this year.  No special gifts to shop for.  No holiday meal to cook, none of your favorite treats and no anticipation for family visits.  No sort of celebration.  I'm not ready yet.
And only time will tell if I ever will be.

Without you wanting to "shake" each
Christmas package under the tree,
there is no joy that remains.
I miss you, Loria.

I think about past holidays, family gatherings and the celebration atmosphere.  You always wanted to play
Santa and be the "gift giver".
I can close my eyes and see you crawling up under the tree to bring out another gift
and getting that twinkle in your eye when
the gift tag read "Loria".

You were always the "kid" that put the joy in
Christmas gift-giving.  Being unable to
see your face light up with surprise
when opening that special gift,
takes away my joy.

You weren't always the affectionate one, but I easily remember your special Christmas hugs of appreciation.  Loria, I miss your hugs.

Yes, I remain here on earth to live and breathe.  But it remains difficult for me to live without you.  I have to remind myself each day that
I have a husband and surviving daughter
that need me here.

But I do look forward to the day when we will be reunited.  And each Christmas day that passes brings me one year closer to that glorious reunion.  Will you welcome me to heaven with one of those special "hugs" that you gave so sparingly here on earth?

I believe that one day I will be ready to recognize the holiday season once again.  I will celebrate the season to celebrate you.  I will find that special way to honor you and your memory and it will have more meaning
than I could ever imagine in this leftover lifetime here without you.

But until then, please forgive me for my inability to celebrate any reason for the holiday season.  I will be here Loria, missing you.

 Susie, thank you for the ornament.